Chuck vs The Persian Wives
by Etta Mae
Summary: Can Chuck resist the charms of a room full of women trained in the art of seduction? Is there more to this mission than he and Sarah know?


**Hi there! _nerdsneed2beloved _and I began working on this a couple months ago, but she ran off and left me for those rockin' Ohioans, lucky people! Anyway, I finished it and I think it's funny. ENJOY!**

**Random quote: There is a third option; it involves murder. – Cat in Cat in the Hat**

In the dark of a Middle Eastern night Chuck hopped down behind the wall and popped his head around the corner to look into the courtyard. Sarah was next to him, "Are you sure you're OK with this?" she asked.

Chuck rolled his eyes and turned to look back at her, "Please, it's me."

"I'm going to be right here the whole time. If you need anything just say that 'the curry was spicy.'"

He nodded and turned to go.

"Just if you aren't comfortable…" she began, making him turn back.

"Sarah, it'll be fine. It's just a routine mission." He turned to attempt to leave.

"Because there are probably lots of other agents who I'm sure would be able to take over…" she said, he turned around again.

"It's no biggy, hon; get in, get out, go home," he said, doing the Bartowski eyebrow dance as he took a step away.

"I mean, would you prefer that I do it and you stay here as back up?"

Chuck turned around, "Sarah, they need a guy for this and you would not, on any planet in any galaxy, pass for a guy."

Sarah's face stiffened the way it did whenever she was ticked off.

"Wait, Sarah, are you jealous?" Chuck asked.

"What? No!" Sarah said indignantly.

"You are!" Chuck chortled. Sarah's nostrils flared. "Well, I can't say I blame you," Chuck said, putting his hands in his pockets smugly, "I was voted Burbank Buy More's sexiest Nerd Herder ten years running. Gosh has it been that long?" he said, putting his hands on his hips and talking off into the distance to no one in particular, "Wow, you know it doesn't feel like it, I mean especially now that I'm the Intersect and all. And I know it's just a cover but when you think about it what are my credentials to the outside world? I have a Stanford degree that I've never used, I'm going on eleven years at the Buy More, live next door to my sister, I have an uber, uber hot girl friend who, no offence honey, works at a yogurt shop, which is actually a pretty crappy place. You know Sarah," he said turning back to her and shaking his finger, "you really should see if you can get something better. Or at least decent flavours. I mean you shouldn't settle for that kind of cover. You have given many wonderful years of service to your country and y…"

Sarah grabbed his bottom lip, "Chuck!" she exploded, "Focus! My gosh! Your mind is…I really don't know how the Intersect finds room in there with all that crap running around!" she threw her hands up in the air.

"Sorry," Chuck said stretching his sore bottom lip out while pulling faces distractedly.

"Now," Sarah said, "You are going into that den of women and you will be wonderful, charming, and **focused**,and you are not leaving until you've gotten what we need. Understand?"

Chuck swallowed, nodding slowly, "Yes ma'am."

"Now remember, your cover is Mr. Mustafa Gafusta" she said curling his fake mustache up at the edges, "You're looking for a wife and since their cover is a dating site you will have to play along to get what you want. The ambassador's missing daughter's name is Jakkeeta. You need to find her and avoid someone they call Pharnush, who's hot and dangerous – you have to be one of her to roll with her. And remember, I love you, but I know 837 ways to kill you and get away with it if you even look at one of those girls wrong. OK, baby-buns?" she said. He nodded, then turned around. She slapped his butt, "Get in there, Stallion."

He walked up to the gate and pushed the buzzer, "What you are wanting?" a heavily accented voice asked over the intercom.

Chuck cleared his throat, "I'm Mr. Gafusta, and I'm here to look at some new toys…"

"Toy shop moved, try next gate," the voice said.

Chuck looked around confused but then began walking away. A cackling came through the intercom, "I am just joking for you, Mr. Gafusty. Toy shop never moved."

Chuck turned around there was some clanging from the other side of the gate followed by some cursing. Then it creaked open. A short chubby woman in a sari came through and waved for him to come in, "Come on, don't be shy, young one," she said as she grinned a cracked smile, "I am Ubadiah."

He walked through. "So, what kind woman you want?" she asked leading him across a courtyard to an open corridor. As they crossed she pointed things out, "That is the holy tap, it gives us sacred water from the wells of the goddess of marriage and fertility, Ibi. I have drunk from it many a time," she winked.

"Um, what kind of woman…" Chuck said trying to stay professional, "I suppose, uh, young, athletic, um, b-beautiful, kind, cleanly…"

"I was young once, and I still can beat all this young girls in the goat toss, and there is a certain charm to my gray hair and traditional body, neh?" she winked again.

"Um, I really think I'd like to get a look at the others first," he said.

Ubadiah shrugged, "You can't blame me for trying." She shuffled over to a wooden door and pushed; it didn't move. She took a couple paces back – then ran and kicked it in, "It has it's flaws, but it's home," she said, giving a 'what are you gonna do' face.

Chuck nodded and followed her in. The room was well lit and there were women lounging on couches, settees, and mats in beautiful Indian garb. At the end of the room there was a cloth hung across what Chuck guessed was a doorway. Ubadiah motioned for him to sit down. He sat awkwardly with his legs crossed. After a couple of seconds of Ubadiah petting his head the curtain was pulled across and a young girl with big hazel eyes, tanned skin, and full lips set in a sad pout came out, saying, "You have been summoned to the hot seat." Chuck untangled his legs and followed her out as Ubadiah gave him another cracked smile and a thumbs up.

He followed the girl down a hallway and into a dark room with two chairs facing each other; the woman motioned for him to sit in one of them. As he sat down he was surprised to find that the chair was actually warm, like it was heated. He squirmed a bit. The door across the room opened and a girl with large '80s glasses and a bucktoothed smile sat down across from him. He spent six minutes with her before she was sent out and another girl was sent in. Six minutes later a new girl replaced her; and after six minutes another. This went on for another 130 minutes and 21 girls…

Chuck sat through the interviews with much boredom and some discomfort as the seat got hotter the longer he sat there. Ubadiah explained the longer he turned girls away the hotter it would get. She would always tell him some little tidbit about the girl, normally an unflattering one. Some of the girls were pretty, some were shy, some were diseased, but none of them were of any help. As number 21 left he let out a sigh. He needed to get to Jakkeeta desperately and he thought if anyone would know where she was Ubadiah would. He rolled his head around to look at her; she was standing in the corner of the room near the door.

"Ubadiah, none of these girls really seem to be what I'm looking for," Chuck began.

"Chuck! What are you doing?" Sarah's voice came in his ear. He ignored it.

"Oh, I know, this young girls cannot satisfy a man like you," she said nodding her head sagely, "you need a real matured woman, eh?" she winked.

Uh, no, no, that's OK," Chuck said raising his hands, "It's just, I came because I was told of this beautiful girl here, and I just had to find her. They say her name is Jekkeeta."

The words hadn't been out of his mouth ten seconds before the door burst open and the girl from earlier came in, "Come with me," she said to Chuck.

Chuck got up nervously and followed her out. Ubadiah shuffled along behind him. They went further down the dim hall way and stopped at a wooden door at the end of it. The girl knocked on the door three times and then opened it.

"Pharnush, I've brought him," she said. Chuck gulped; Pharnush, she had said Pharnush.

"Chuck!" Sarah gasped having heard the name as well, "What did you do?"

The girl motioned for Chuck to enter. Chuck stepped past her into the dark room. It had a big wooden table in the middle and a large black leather chair facing away from him. Chuck began to feel slightly afraid; he had been brought to Pharnush. There were horror stories told about her and her "brides." She was supposed to be ruthless, and had been known to scare some of the world's biggest politicians, criminals, and billionaires when they sought her services.

"Why are you here? Eh? What do you want with my girls?" a harsh, heavily accented voice came from the chair.

"I'm just looking for a nice wife," Chuck said.

He gulped as the chair began to spin around to face him. Then he almost guffawed. In the chair sat a tiny, very plump woman with a chubby, bitter face, a fixed frown, and narrow eyes.

"You're Pharnush?" Chuck asked incredulously. She glared at him. "I mean, you're Pharnush." Chuck said with much more awe in his voice.

Pharnush softened her glared to a skeptical stare, "Why you want Jakkeeta?" she asked hopping down from her chair. She must have only been about four feet tall and she waddled slightly as she came over to him.

"I have heard of her great beauty and I desire to see it for myself," Chuck said.

Pharnush began to say something, Then a pink cell phone on the table began a generic telephone ring. Pharnush pursed her lips, held and one finger out to Chuck, and walked over and flipped the phone open.

"Yes, Hassim," she said turning away, "Vhat do you mean you are not coming? Eh? I am been setting up this dinner all day! Hassim, Hassim? Wait who's there eh? Who are you with? Hassim?" Pharnush slammed the phone closed. She took a deep breath and looked over at Chuck. He gulped.

"Leave me," she said to the others in the room. They all began to clear out. Chuck turned too.

"Not you boy!" she ordered.

Chuck swiveled around, "Of course not, just, um, closing the doors. Lovely carpentry, is that oak? I didn't think you could get oak in this part of the world…"

"Silence!" Pharnush hollered.

Chuck snapped his jaw shut. Pharnush waddled over to him, "Liar!"

Chuck gulped, "Wh-what do you mean?"

"All you men, you are liars!" Pharnush said, her lip turning up making her face even more ugly.

Chuck let out a slight sigh realizing his cover was still safe, "Uh…uh…um…why would you say that?" he asked.

Pharnush clicked her tongue and scrunched her nose, "Experience," she muttered. Pharnush sighed and looked almost sad. She soon regained her bitter look though, "Now, you liar! What you really want eh?"

"I'm just looking for a wife," Chuck said holding up his hands in innocence.

"Why?"

"Because I would like one…I would like some companionship, and um, I would like children, and I would like you know…" Chuck tried to think what the kind of men who came to this place would want, "someone to cook and clean, and someone to be there when I get home after a long day, someone who won't question my actions, and who knows their place."

Pharnush narrowed her already squinty eyes, "You are disgusting man! All of you man are disgusting! All you who come here want the same thing. Then you forget about us in as soon as we put on a little weight just because you wanted eight children, and that is only the beginning!"

Chuck took a moment to assess the situation. During her rant Pharnush had gotten right up next to him and was standing on her tippy toe yelling. Chuck however had heard every word she said and was beginning to put everything together. He nodded understandingly and then asked, "And how does that make you feel?"

Sarah's eyebrows shot up on the other side of the line. He was asking about feelings? Urg! Trust Chuck to want to talk it out.

Pharnush's eyebrows went up as well.

"What?" she asked backing off a little bit.

Chuck crossed his arms and put one finger to his lips, "How does this, this, neglect make you feel?" he said in a tone normally heard from Morgan when he was being a "retail therapist".

"This is making me feel wery bad," Pharnush said shaking her head.

"I see, and why is it that you think the neglect started?"

Pharnush walked across the room and looked out the window which didn't make much sense because the only thing you could see was a wall.

"I don't know, I think maybe when I am having our fourth son, Prem. After that Hassim he never look at me the same again. Maybe it was a mistake to have him deliwer the baby. Prem was wery shy to come out so Hassim had to reach up in and pull him out." Pharnush said.

Chuck cleared his throat, "Yes, well, even with the best of intentions there are certain things no man should go through."

Pharnush nodded her head sadly.

"But I mean, you said you had eight kids so he must not have been that put off if he made four more with you…" Chuck said walking slowly over to one of the chairs in front of the desk.

Pharnush sat down heavily in hers, "No, he did not. You see Prem was our fourth **son**, we already had three sons and four daughters."

"Oh, I see well, that is unfortunate," Chuck said.

"Yes," she said.

Chuck panicked at the pause, worrying she might remember why he was there in the first place.

"And how do you feel about being blown off?" he asked remembering her earlier phone call.

Pharnush scowled, "Ah, you know. I never see him anymore. I am to be used to it."

"Why do you think that is?" Chuck asked. He spotted a pot of tea and some cups on a table up against the left wall.

"I don't know. Maybe is his job, maybe is mine. Who is knowing," Pharnush said.

"Tea?" Chuck asked. Pharnush nodded. "Well, why do you do this work in the first place?"

Sarah hissed in his ear, "Chuck, tea? Really?"

"I don't know. No sugar. I think because Hassim, he is always liking a woman of power. Now look at me, I am most powerful woman in Persia and he won't even let me make him mutton curry." Pharnush plunked her head down on her hand miserably.

"Oh, come now," Chuck said handing her her tea, "it's not all that bad."

He sat down in one of the chairs and sipped his own tea. He deeply resisted the urge to splutter and cough, he was not at all used to tea masala.

"It is, Mr. Gafusta, it really is."

"Well, have you told him how you felt?" Chuck asked taking another more cautious sip.

"No." Pharnush said glumly.

"Well, you should! We men are very dense on these things you know! We need a good kick in the butt sometimes," Chuck said.

"Ah…I don't know…" Pharnush said shaking her head bashfully.

"Nah, come on! It'll be good," Chuck said, "I mean really, what have you got to lose?"

Pharnush eyed him skeptically, at least Chuck thought that was it, he couldn't be sure because her eyes were permanently squinted and her mouth was set in a continual disapproving line, "OK," she finally said.

"Great!" Chuck said.

"I phone him now," Pharnush said.

"Oh, n-now? Really, well, then I'll just be going and give you some privacy…" Chuck said beginning to stand up.

"No, you stay!" Pharnush said, "I'm going to need a shoulder to be crying on if this is going bad."

Chuck gulped, "Of course."

She stood on her chair so that she could reach her phone which had landed in the middle of the table. She opened it and sat back down. She squinted at the screen…at least Chuck though she did. She grabbed a pair of glasses and put them on then continued to squint. After a little bit she looked up at him, "How I am to be calling him?"

"Um, do you know his number?" Chuck asked.

"He's 45," Pharnush said.

"No, no, no, I mean, um," Chuck got up and walked over to her Pharnush eyed him over the rim of her glasses, "uh, if I may…" he motioned to the phone and Pharnush handed it to him.

He first quickly programmed it so he would be able to monitor all calls and messages. Then he went to recent received calls and clicked the first number. It began to ring. He put it on speaker and laid it on the desk.

The ring tone stopped and a gruff accented voice came through. Pharnush leaned into the phone, "He-hello, Hassim? You are there?"

"Yes, what are you to be wanting?" Hassim asked.

Pharnush looked up at Chuck who nodded encouragingly.

"Hassim, I wanted to be telling you how I feel," she yelled into the phone.

"Are you sick?" Hassim asked.

"No, eh, maybe sickness of the heart," Pharnush said.

"What?" Hassim asked.

"Hassim, I am feeling like you do not love me anymore," Pharnush said.

"What?"

"I am feeling like you don't care anymore, I never even see you anymore."

Hassim grumbled something under his breath, "You are always working."

"But I am making time to be spending with you and you cancel it," Pharnush complained.

"Yes, well, every times I am calling you you are always yelling and you are always sounding disappointed so I am thinking is better just leave you to your work and not be bothering you anymore," Hassim said.

"No, I am just yelling because you are always to be saying a woman needs to learn how to be heard and be in charge. And I am always afraid to plan with you because I am knowing you will just disappoint me again!" Pharnush replied.

"Oh, but I do not mean to cancel, I am wanting to spend time with you! I am just thinking not to hassle you!" Hassim said laughing.

"No, I am always to be wanting to be spending time with you!" Pharnush said. In what Chuck guessed was a happy voice.

"Then, you are wanting to go to dinner after all?" Hassim asked.

"Yes! Wery much!" Pharnush said.

"OK, I'll go slaughter the goat and you can cook it when you get home!" Hassim said.

"OK, goodbye!" Pharnush said.

Chuck ended the call and she sat back and looked at him, "You are good man Mr. Gafusta," she said with an almost smile.

"Ah, just trying to help," Chuck said waving her off.

"No, you are wery good man, I must repay you," Pharnush said.

"Nah," Chuck said.

"You said you wanted Jekkeeta?" Pharnush said eyeing him.

Chuck froze. "Watch it, Chuck, don't blow this," Sarah's voice came in his ear.

"Ah, well, I do, but only if you would approve," he tried.

"Yes, I am thinking this is wery good. You are good man you will treat her well." Pharnush went to the door and yelled "Jeekkkeeetttaa!" down the hallway.

The door soon opened and a girl in a light green sari appeared. She was one of the most beautiful things Chuck had ever seen, tall and slender yet curvy, with perfect skin tanned to caramel by the hot desert sun, deep brown hair, and hazel eyes that contrasted strikingl. She had full rosy lips and a perfect button nose. Chuck exhaled slowly at the sight of her.

"Jekkeeta," said Pharnush, "this is Mr. Gafusta, your husband."

Chuck bowed his head in greeting. When he looked back up he saw the look of absolute horror on her face. He frowned and looked at Pharnush.

Pharnush laughed, "Ah, it is just OK, Jekkeeta, he is wery good man. Come say good bye."

Jekkeeta bent down and gave Pharnush a kiss on each cheek in farewell. Pharnush stroked her face, "I love this girl child like my own foot," she said to Chuck, "I don't let just anyone walk in to marry her," she said with a warning tone, "be taking good care of her."

Chuck nodded.

Chuck was soon walking out with his new "bride" at his side and Ubadiah shuffling along in front of him.

"Eh, Mr. Gafusty, you are wery lucky." Ubadiah chuckled, "This is wery beautiful woman. She will make pleasing wife and good mother. Ah, and you are rich man, you will having money to be buying your children many wonderful toys. When I was a child we did not have money to buy such things. But our mother was wery fat so we all played with her flabs of fat. I personally played many a time with the fat under her arms as she would be reaching up to harwest the mangos. Ah, the mangos, good fruit, but what you should be wanting right now is bananas, they are the fruit of fertility. Yes, I remember one time my mother harwested bananas, so plentiful!" Chuck chuckled slightly; he stole a look over at Jekkeeta who looked like her dog had just died. He wanted to tell her he was NSA and that she was safe but he knew he couldn't yet.

They reached the gate and said good bye to Ubadiah. When the gate finally closed Jekkeeta broke into tears. Chuck took her hand and led her toward where Sarah was waiting.

"Hey, it's OK, you haven't actually been sold, it's OK," he tried, "My name is Charles Carmichael, I'm NSA, I've been sent to find you and take you back to your father."

At that it seemed like Jekkeeta actually started crying harder. Chuck squeezed her hand, "Hey, hey, it's OK, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Jekkeeta tried to say something but she was crying too hard. Then she began to calm down a little in an effort to get her words out.

"I-I-I don't want to go back," she sobbed.

"What? Why not?" Chuck asked confused.

"I want to stay h-here."

"OK, OK, calm down and when we get to my partner we can talk about this," Chuck said. Jekkeeta nodded.

When they reached Sarah she fairly jumped into his arms, "You are such an idiot!" she said kissing him quickly.

At this Jekkeeta burst into a fresh round of tears and sobbing. Sarah, remembering herself, raised her eyebrows and looked at Jekkeeta then Chuck. Chuck shrugged helplessly.

"Jekkeeta," he said, "would you like to tell us what's going on?"

"You are in love?" she asked.

Sarah bit her lip but Chuck nodded, "Yes."

"Then maybe you can understand," Jekkeeta said.

"OK…" Chuck said.

"I am daughter of ambassador and I am supposed to be behaving and smiling and nodding and not thinking and not wanting and just doing what I am told. But I met this boy, Jamal…"

"Oh, here we go," Sarah muttered.

"…he is Palestinian and he is musician and he is everything I'm not allowed to be, but I love him. So, I run away so that I can be with him. We want to get married, and he's supposed to come here for me" Jekkeeta confessed.

"Well, why is this such a problem?" Chuck asked, "You're an adult, you can marry who you want."

"No," Jekkeeta shook her head, "I am already speaking Arabic, and my skin is dark and I wear the sari, people are think that it is Islam infiltrating the American government. It is not Islam or Jihad or anything, it is just the way that I have grown up hearing and seeing people behave. I am American. I just grew up here, but they do not understand that. If I marry Palestinian they will fire my father or worse. They will assume that we have been corrupted or something."

Chuck and Sarah were quiet for a moment.

"Well," Chuck said slowly, "we're having trouble uniting America and the Middle East right? We're having trouble making peace and showing we trust them right? Well, what could be a better way of joining our two worlds than having one of our politicians letting his daughter marry a Palestinian?"

"It could be like a peace treaty, like a gift offering…" Jekkeeta said.

"Or that's what we can tell your father," Sarah said.

"After all, if it's for diplomacy…" Chuck said.

"Oh, of course, for diplomacy. We must marry them!" Sarah said.

Jekkeeta sniffled, "You think you could convince them?"

"We can be very persuasive," Sarah said coyly.

Jekkeeta beamed, "Thank you! Thank you!" She hugged them both.

"No problem," Chuck said, lacing his hand through Sarah's. They knew all about bureaucracy and obstacles, "Now, let's get on the plane and to a phone because you have a man to call and we have the man to call," he grinned. Sarah and Jekkeeta looked at him blankly.

"Oh come on, that was good!" Chuck whined.

Sarah shook her head and began walking toward where she had landed the plane. Jekkeeta followed her.

"Seriously?" Chuck asked.

"We're leaving, Chuck," Sarah said.

"It is a good thing you two are pretty because you aren't getting anywhere on your senses of humor," Chuck grumbled following them.

"Oh, come on, really? That was so bad," Sarah said buckling herself in.

"It was very lame, Agent Carmichael," Jekkeeta chipped in.

Chuck shook his head as he closed the plane's door, "Well, aside from you two's lack of appreciation of puns, that was a good mission," Chuck said sitting back.

"Well, it was different, that's for sure," Sarah said taking off.

"I see, and how do you feel about that?" Chuck asked.

Sarah groaned.

**So, there we go! Now, my niece Livy turned two today and she says it would be wonderful if you could review for her birthday! Yes, I have stooped that low.**


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